Here We Go Again

One question I got last week from a reader is “How do you get ready to go into the hospital, and what do you bring with you?”

I go in tonight, so I think this is a good time to go through my routine. All last week and this weekend I have been making sure that the fridge and freezer is stocked for Jen and Jake. The last thing she needs to do is go to the grocery store. I also made a meatloaf and a lasagna that I left in the fridge.

The morning of my admitting I call to get a password to the wireless ineternet at the hosipital. I don't get admitted until after 7pm, so I get this taken care of early.

I bring the same things to the hospital every time. Here is my packing list:

• Pajamas, Tee-Shirts, Slippers: I refuse to wear hospital gowns, so I wear jammies all the time in the hospital.
  
• My X-Box 360 and Games: I bought this after my second trip to the hospital. I have brought it with me ever since, and it helps relieve the boredom.
  
• My Laptop: to read email and sometimes even get some work done. The hospital has wireless internet, which is very helpful.
  
• Candy Candy Candy: I bring candy to eat when I can’t eat anything else. I also like to have it to give to the army of nurses and doctors that I see on a daily basis.
  
• My Pillow and Blanket: A little touch of home away from home.
  
• Decorations: Cards from Jake, pictures of my family, and a bunch of signs Kelleye made for me.
  
• Books and Magazines: I am bringing The Long Tail to finish up, and I usually bring a Business Week or 2.
  
• Me: I wish I could leave this at home!
  

I’ll be in for a week. Wish me luck!
Peace, Love, and Hershey’s

Don't Say It!

In the movie “Brighton Beach Memoirs”, the lead character monologues about diseases. Hey says that when you say the name of a bad disease, you have to whisper it, or you will get it yourself. “My uncle has pancreititis” or “My brother died of cancer”. Especially cancer. That word is the worst possible thing. Nobody says it except doctors and patients.

When I see people I know, they never say cancer. It is “how are you feeling?” and “how are you doing?”, “how did it go last time”, and “I am proud of you for how you are handling this.” Here is a list of things people don’t say:

“How is your cancer?”
“Beat that cancer yet?”
“Has your cancer gotten worse?”
“How is the cancer fight going?”
“You look great for a cancer patient.”

Don’t get me wrong, people are truly concerned and their support is awesome. But it is interesting how cancer provokes such caution with people’s words. Maybe other patients are different, but I am not ashamed or embarrassed about my cancer. I have no problem talking about it or answering questions.

I am doing well. My cancer is going (or gone) away, and the treatments seem to be the reason. I have the best doctor in the world, and I am at the best hospital in the world. My wife and son brighten every day of my life. I guess if things weren’t going so well, I might not be as happy to talk about it. Maybe.

Peace and Love.
Double Goose in Your Eye.

Jumping Back On

Since starting treatment for malignant melanoma last May, sometimes I feel like the world is a merry-go-round. Things seem to move quite fast, and every couple of weeks, I take a step off and do another treatment. The world spins on, oblivious (maybe), of the temporary loss of one of its inhabitants. A few days after I get home from the hospital, I get a little run going, and hop back onto the merry-go-round.

My last treatment went well, although it was one of my worst eating-wise. I went in last Monday, and Tuesday Jen brought me a sandwich from Schlotzsky’s (after this, I am going to do a commercial for these guys: “Your turkey-bacon-club got me through chemotherapy”). It was the last thing I ate until Saturday morning.

The treatments are definitely having a cumulative effect. After the second dose of IL-2, I felt like I did at the end of the last treatment. I did 6 doses (yeah), and the doctor called it quits (wimp). Actually, I was determined not to cry uncle.

On the plus side, it was my shortest hospital stay ever (4 nights ICU, 1 recovery). It isn’t that I responded so well, or recovered so quickly. I think they just trust me to take care of myself and follow instructions when I get home. I say that’s good. I go home where I am more comfortable, and someone needier gets my bed at the hospital.

For the next post, I am taking questions from the audience. Email me or post a comment on the blog with your question and I will try to answer it. Feel free to ask me anything related to my cancer, treatment, state-of-mind, family, etc. No holds barred.

Well, until then, it is time to get back to the business of living, and business is good.

No News is Good News

Hello Constant Reader (a phrase borrowed from Stephen King):

Yesterday I went to the hospital to get the results of the tests I had last week. As it turns out, they show nothing. This is good news. Last time, they showed nothing, so showing something would be bad news.

I have mentioned before that my cancer doesn’t really show up on scans. I can explain that a bit more. To understand why scans don’t work for me very well, you have to understand the concept of resolution.

A viewing machine can only see details as fine as its resolution, details smaller than that are lost. Imagine a large (say 10 feet wide) map of the United States. You can identify (resolve) different states, mountain ranges, maybe counties, rivers, maybe some large lakes. Maps like this usually have dots for the cities, even large ones. What about the neighborhood you live in? You can’t see (resolve) that on a map of the United States. It is just too small. If someone were to try to draw your neighborhood on the map, they would find they need a very small pen. In fact, the size of the pen you can use determines the resolution.

Even if the person were to draw your neighborhood, it would be wrong, because just putting a dot on the map would cover many neighborhoods. In other words, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between one neighborhood and another.

This is the problem with my scans. Although my cancer spread around my abdomen, it was thinner than the resolution of the scanning machines (CT scanner). If the resolution of a CT Scan is 1 millimeter, then the machine cannot see anything smaller than that. The only way to see something smaller, is to open me up and look. The human eye can see much better than a CT scanner (in some ways).

So, why do we do these scans, especially considering that they are so uncomfortable? Well, if the cancer grows, we need to know right away. They scan my brain with MRI to see if the cancer has spread there. All my scans come up negative for cancer.

My next post is going to explain some cancer treatments, and why they work (or don’t)

Cancer Sucks

Poked and Prodded

Hello everybody. I hope you had as good a Christmas as I had. We had everyone over for Christmas Eve, about 17 people. It went very well. I gotta tell you, I love Eggnog. I put a shot of Southern Comfort in it and dust the top with nutmeg. Boo-Yah!

So yesterday I went to the hospital for re-staging. Basically, they re-evaluate where my cancer is, and how effective the treatment has been. I don’t have results yet, but I did get to have these tests:
- Chest and Neck X-Ray
- Brain MRI with and without contrast
- Blood tests (lots of these)
- CT Scan of the abdomen and pelvis (with and without contrast).

The worst is the CT scan because
a) They can’t use my PICC line to inject the contrast so they have to give me an IV. IVs hurt like living hell.
b) I have to drink barium (liquid poop) for an hour and a half before the procedure.
c) I get to have a barium enema during the test (I know, I know, TMI).

On the plus side, the actual CT scan only takes about 10 minutes.

The easiest test is the chest x-ray. Stand up, turn to the side, breathe in, and hold it, you're done. I get the results on Wednesday. I am not expecting any big revelation, and will probably continue with my IL-2 treatments on the following Monday.

How was your holiday?

P.S. You don’t have to be registered to comment anymore.

Looking Back

Well everyone, it has been a tough year. As a matter of fact, besides the year I was born (boy was that traumatic); it has been one of the toughest. I wanted to use this post to look back and thank the people that have helped me so much this year. I couldn’t have done it alone. So without further ado, here is my list of shout-outs:

Dr. Patrick Hwu, Dr. Paul Mansfield
I don’t have much faith in miracles, I have faith in doctors. I credit 99% of my recovery to these two guys.

Jennifer
The only way to test the strength of a chain is to pull it until it breaks. My wife is titanium steel.

Jacob
I may not have always acted like I wanted to see him; but from the first time he came to see me in the hospital, he made it like home. He can ride on daddy’s magic chair anytime.

Jordan
How my brother worked nights, spent his days with me, and still managed to sleep is a wonder of human endurance. He actually created hours in the day! Nobody has been more willing to help at any hour for any reason.

Dad
Driving me to the hospital, coming to visit me every other day like clockwork. He has been there for me like only a dad can.

Aunt Jan (Nanny)
She is so special to me. Why do I cry every time she visits me in the hospital?

Carol Lacey, Physician’s Assistant
Everything I know about cancer I from Carol. She is ne of the busiest people in the hospital, but never failed to answer a question for me or my family.

The other doctors and PAs in the Melanoma Clinic (Hwu, Bedikian, Papadapolous, and Kim)
When I go into the hospital for a treatment round, I never know which doctor will be taking care of me for the week. Because these doctors are so awesome, I never worried about it.

The nurses at MD Anderson, especially Ida, Lauren, Joseph, Grace, and Effie
Nursing has got to be one of the hardest jobs in the world. These are the ones that take care of me in every way you can take care of a person.

Claire, Mike, and Eric
My friends from school worked very hard to make me feel like I wasn’t even away.

My friends at SalvageSale but especially Scott, Ken, and Kim
These guys made me feel normal when I was out of the hospital. Thanks for treating me like a human.

The MD Anderson Cancer Center
What an amazing place! Truly a place of healing. I owe them alot.

Most of All: You!
You read my blog, comment, tell your friends. I love you guys.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year!

Who are the lucky ones?

So, I have tried to stay away from overt reminders of my condition like movies about people dying of cancer. But, today I was flipping through the channels and “My Life” came on. I couldn't turn it off.

It is about a man with terminal cancer who uses a video camera to leave messages for his unborn son. Michael Keaton is awesome as the cancer patient, and Nicole Kidman plays the wife well.

The movie got me thinking, is it possible that the people that are told by the doctor “you have so many months to live” are the lucky ones? Ok, ok, I would rather die later than sooner. But given that everyone dies, is it better to know when in advance?

In the movie, Michael Keaton starts out as an “unexamined life.” He does not talk to his parents or his brother, and he has grown distant from his wife. He doesn’t share in the pregnancy by going to ultrasounds, etc… Over the course of the film (about 10 months I think), he is able to sort through his issues with his family, and reignites the love and passion with his wife. By telling his son about his life (via the videotapes), he examines and betters himself.

If he had never had cancer but died the same day as he does in the movie, would he have lived as good a life? He would not have had the chance to tell his son so much about himself. He would have died still mad at his family, still distant from his wife, and not really knowing himself.

Personally, I would want to know. I am a “planner,” and I would want to “put my house in order.”

What would you want? The comment board is open.

Double-goose in your eye

Cancer 101 Part 2 - What Causes Skin Cancer?

In the last post we looked at what cancer is. We know cancer is basically cells that refuse to stop dividing (gone crazy). In this post, I will try to explain what causes cancer. Please note: I am neither a doctor or cancer expert. If anything that I say is misleading or wrong, please let me know and I will change it immediately. What I put here I have learned from my doctors over the last 9 months fighting cancer.

So, there are these crazy cells that won’t stop dividing right? What causes that? Don’t they know when to stop, and why doesn’t the problem just fix itself?

It starts with DNA. DNA is the “user manual” for a cell. It tells the cell what kind of cell to be, and how to be that kind cell. It also governs the cells lifecycle by telling it how to divide and when to stop dividing. OK, it is actually much more complicated than that, but one can think of DNA as a cell’s brains. Unfortunately, DNA can be damaged, and that is what causes cancer.

A common cause of cancer is radiation exposure (think nuclear bomb or power plant meltdown). Radiation causes damage to DNA, changing it slightly or damaging it just a bit. Usually, small bits if damage to DNA have no effect. All they really do is make the cell unable to function or reproduce. Imaging if you took the instruction manual to your oven and randomly changed 1000 letters in the book. The odds are good that the book wouldn’t make any sense anymore. However, what if you just happened to change the first sentence to say “put your head in the oven and turn it on.” Those random changes just made a big mess.

When DNA damage causes cancer, it means that the cell’s “user manual” no longer contains the instructions on how to stop dividing. There are many things that can change the “words” of a cell’s DNA. Radiation (nukes) and chemical toxins (chemicals in cigarettes) are two of the most common.

There are also genetic traits that can predispose you to getting certain kinds of cancer. This doesn’t mean that my son will get cancer because I did, but it does mean that he is more likely to get it than someone whose dad did not have skin cancer.

So what causes skin cancer? If we only knew… Current conventional wisdom points to UV Radiation. The sun’s light is composed of many colors (ever see a rainbow). Some of those colors we can’t even see. One of those colors us ultraviolet. If you could see ultraviolet colors through a prism, they would be just beyond purple in the rainbow. As it turns out, exposure to this UV light damages the DNA of melanocytes, the cells responsible for the color of your skin. If they are damaged enough, they can go crazy and become cancer.

Skin cancer is the most common type of cancer in the United States with 1 million new cases diagnosed every year. The best way to protect yourself from getting skin cancer is to wear sun block when outdoors ALL THE TIME and do not tan. If you do tan, you run the risk of being a great looking corpse, because you died of skin cancer.

Next in this series we will look at the current treatments for cancer, how they work, and what is on the horizon.

Death to Cancer

Cancer 101 Part 1 - What is Cancer?

As most of you know, in late April of this year I was diagnosed with Metastatic Melanoma (cancer). I don't think I have ever taken the time to fully explain what this disease is, what its symptoms are, and how my treatments fight it. So, I now begin the first of a 3 part series. This post will explain what Metastatic Melanoma is (I hope).

Everybody has skin (some have more of it than others). Melanoma is a form of cancer of the skin. You can get cancer of almost any organ, and your skin is your largest organ. So what is cancer? According to Wikipedia, cancer is the uncontrolled division of cells that has the ability to move throughout your body.

Your body makes new cells by dividing existing cells. When you get cancer somewhere, your cells basically go crazy. They keep dividing and dividing and they don't stop. That is why people develop tumors; uncontrolled cell division creates growth in that type of tissue. For example: Somebody gets liver cancer so their liver cells keep dividing and dividing, creating a lump of liver tissue where there shouldn't be one.

Melanoma is cancer of the skin cells that cause pigmentation (melanocytes). These cells are responsible for the color for your skin. These cells go crazy and won't stop dividing. Since they are dark colored cells, when they form a mass on the skin it looks like a mole.

So, why do people die of extra skin cells? Well, they key is in a process called metastasis. When cancer moves into an area that can transport it somewhere else, it hitches a ride and then implants itself somewhere else. For example: someone has skin cancer and the cancer cells get into the blood. They hitch a ride on the blood all the way to the person's brain. They then implant in the brain and start growing there. The cancer is said to have metastasized.

While a mass of uncontrolled growth on your skin might be annoying, that same mass growing inside your brain can be downright problematic. Without treatment, it can (and probably will) kill you. Once cancer metastasizes, it becomes a very serious situation.

Cancer is broadly characterized by the type of cells that it affects (skin, liver, blood, brain, lung, breast, etc…) and the stage of the cancer. Cancer comes in four stages:

• Stage I – the cancer is still where it started (in situ). It hasn’t moved or grown much.
• Stage II and Stage III – these cancers have stared to invade or move. In the case of Melanoma, stage III means the cancer has spread locally to a nearby lymph node.
• Stage IV – this means that the cancer has spread into the rest of the body (metastasized).

My cancer is stage IV Malignant Melanoma with metastasis on the peritoneum. My primary tumor (where it started) was on my back and was removed surgically 6 years ago. So, my cancer started as crazy cells on my back, that burrowed down to the blood or lymph system. They then used that system to hitch a ride to my gut, where they implanted on my peritoneum.

So that is cancer. The next post will explain how cancer causes problems (symptoms).

Peace and Love.

Getting Ready for Christmas

Happy Holidays Family and Friends!

I hope the holiday season is going well for everyone. I am having a great time so far.

For Thanksgiving, Jen's parents came over for dinner. I cooked the turkey, as I always do, and it turned out great. I added breakfast sausage to my mom's stuffing recipe (actually my Grandma Connelly's recipe), the first change I have ever dared . I was happy with the result. Lots of people ask me for my turkey recipe, but it is one of those "a little of this, a little of that" recipes. This year, I took careful notes and pictures. I hope to release the recipe soon, in time for Christmas.

Jen and I saw Borat last weekend. It was hilarious but be careful if you plan to see it. If you are easily offended by anything, don't see it. The movie manages to try to offend everyone at one point or another. It rocked!

I am feeling fine, and have been living pretty normally (see previous post). I go back to the doctor December 28th for re-staging. They will give me X-Rays, CT Scans, blood work, and a MRI to decide what to do next. For me, it is just really a formality. The doctor is already planning on 2 more cycles before we quit. I plan to start the next cycle on January 8th.

Thanks for reading.

Death to Cancer

Everything is Normal

Given the situation, "everything is normal" is not a phrase that seems to apply. However, that is how I have felt. Going to the hospital every three weeks or so and staying for 6-9 days is normal. Flushing my permanent IV every night with blood thinner to prevent clots is normal. Being stuck in the house, unable to drive for up to a week at a time is normal. Re-acquainting myself with my family when I get home from a treatment is normal. Forcing myself to eat and a few days later eating all day is normal. In short, I live a normal life.

Jen and I are getting to be pros at fighting cancer.

People have been asking about the new treatments. If you recall, I have been switched to the "High -Dose Interleukin II" treatments, which require me to be in the ICU.

Basically, I go into the hospital on Monday, and get admitted to the ICU. There, they hook me up to all sorts of machines. These machines monitor my heart rate, heart activity, oxygen absorption, breathing, blood pressure, etc... For about 24 hours they hydrate me with fluids, then on Tuesday the fun begins.

Starting on Tuesday, they give me a dose of Interleukin-II every 8 hours until my body gives out or I crack. The drugs don't have an immediate effect, I can't tell when they go in except that the nurse tells me they are starting a dose. The doctor has to approve each dose. They even call him to wake him up in the middle of the night to ask him about my 1 am dose.

About 2 hours after the dose gets into me, I get cold and start to shiver. It happens very quickly, going from normal to flapping like a fish on the docks in about 5 minutes. The nurses come and wrap me in these nice heated blankets and give me a dose of Demerol. The shivering can last up to an hour. Then I throw up. Dose complete. Repeat.

The first time I had this treatment it wasn't very bad. My resting heart rate tripled after 8 doses and the doctor quit. The second time, I was able to go 7 doses, and I cried uncle. It was the first time I asked the doctors to stop giving me cancer drugs, and I regret it somewhat. Even though the doctor said he was ready to stop them on me anyway, the fact that I was going to quit represents a failure of will that I didn't like. I guess I am not Superman (note: I really am Superman).

I am home now, recovering. I am out of the hospital until the new year (yippee!) and am going to try to stay busy. I have been doing alot of cooking and plan to take a few 1 day cooking classes soon.

I hope everybody is having a great holiday season!

A Light at the End of a Long Tunnel

Howdy everyone! I thought I would update you on my progress and go-forward plan, as of yesterday…

My laparascopic surgery on Friday went about as well as can be expected. I went in, they knocked me out, and then they looked inside of me. When I woke up, I spent about 2 hours recovering and then went home. By Monday, I was off the pain medication and I feel fine. My surgeon was the same guy that found the cancer in me in May and so he was the perfect person to look again. According to him, my cancer is 99.5% gone.

That is mixed news. 99.5% is a lot of cancer to kill, but any cancer is still cancer. We have to do something about the last 0.5%. So I went to my clinical doctor yesterday to talk about options. These are my options.

• Option 1: Continue with the treatments that I have been getting (biochemotherapy). Obviously something is working, why stop now? The disadvantage is that this treatment has some bad permanent side effects that have already started appearing in me. Loss of hearing and loss of feeling in my feet (neuropathy). This treatment also wreaks havoc on my bone marrow, a potentially dangerous side effect.

• Option 2: Switch to a new treatment, High-Dose Interkeukin-2. I have already been getting Interleukin (IL-2, Proleukin) in my biochemotherapy. This treatment would only give me this drug, but would increase the dose to about 10 times what I have been receiving. The advantage of this treatment is that its effects (the good ones) can be permanent. The doctor likened it to the polio vaccine I had when I was a baby. I still haven’t gotten polio, even though I got the vaccine 31 years ago. The disadvantage of this treatment is that it is very rough. I have to be in the ICU and there is a real risk of heart attack. However, once the drugs are gone out of my system, all the side effects go away. No permanent side effects.

So, we decided on option 2. I go back into the hospital on Monday, and will probably be there 10 days or so. I have to get a new PICC line, so I will be back to “real cancer patient” for a while. The really bad news is that the doctor wants to do at least 4 cycles of this new treatment. That will last at least until the end of January. That takes school next semester off the table. I have to admit, I am really bummed about that.

So, what do I think about this? I felt like I was losing my steam during the last two treatments, and I was looking forward to being done (understatement). I didn’t think I would still be doing therapy in January. I feel reenergized from the good report (great report, actually), but I worry that I don’t have the stamina for 3.5 – 4 months of treatment. It really doesn’t matter anyway, not doing the therapy is not an option, and neither is failing. My job for the last 6 months has been “Cancer Warrior”.

I guess it is time to get back to work.

Great News!

Hello faithful readers:

I hope things are going well in your corner of the world. If you are facing adversity or difficulty, continue reading. "When it's darkest, the stars shine the brightest."

There is the real possibility that my cancer is gone. I'll say that again.

There is the real possibility that my cancer is gone.

I went to the doctor yesterday to get the results of my scans. The first thing the PA said when I asked about the tests was "well, we might not have got all of it." That sounded like BAD news, but what she was saying was "we might have got all of it."

When the doctors came in, it was a different story. They showed me my CAT scan from April (when I was diagnosed) next to my CAT scan from yesterday. Jen and I were floored. In a nutshell, my cancer is gone from the scan except maybe 1% of what was there. The doctor explained that that piece could be lots of things. It could be active cancer, dead cancer, scar tissue from the cancer, etc...

So, what next? I go under the knife tomorrow (Friday) for an exploratory laparoscopy. They will make 2 small holes in my belly and blow my belly up with carbon dioxide. Then, through one of the holes they will put a scope (camera), and through the other they will insert a kind of multi tool. The tool allows them to push and pull stuff around, and snip little pieces for biopsy later.

An important point to remember. Even if the cancer isn't gone, it has been shown that it responds to the chemo. If I have to go through 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 more treatments, so be it. It is working. The fact is, I will be healthy again. We are winning this battle, the cancer is losing.

Keep those positive thoughts and prayers coming! My surgery is Friday 7:30 AM at MD Anderson. I will update with news as soon as possible.

Hoo-Rah!

Emotions

Emotions are a funny thing. Most of the time we don't notice them. They stay in the background, quietly running our life until we take a step outside of ourselves to examine them. Usually, with the goal of suppressing them, but sometimes we gain a deeper understanding of our own actions by looking at our emotional state.

When my wife was pregnant, she was suceptible to the most dramatic mood swings anyone could imagine. It wasn't how quickly they changed, but the magnitude of the emotion that was suprising.

I think being a patient with stage 4 cancer is similar. I feel like I am constantly in a charged emotional state. The littlest things set off my emotions to crying, laughing, quiet depression, mania, and anger. I cry at everything with a child or somebody who dies on TV.

The emotions I feel related to my cancer are:

Sadness. I am sad for the way my life could have been without the cancer. I am sad for my freinds and family that are going through this with me.

Happiness. I am happy that I have reconnected with so many family members and old freinds. There is nothing like an ilness to bring people together. I am also happy for the new freinds that I have made at the hospital (doctors, nurses, and patients).

Lonliness. When I am between treatments, I am very lonely. Everyone I know is at work or school. Because I am a bit of a loner by nature, this isn't as bad as it could be.

Frustration. I am frustrated about sitting at some and resting. I am not a sit around and do nothing type of person, but I have to because of my fatigue.

Anger. More than anything, cancer pisses me off. It is a raw deal, and people who have cancer or know someone with cancer all get screwed. This disease steals so much from you, you wonder what will be left when it has gone.

So, those are my emotions. Sorry about the outburst yesterday, but it happens. When people tell me how impressed they are that I have been able to stay so positive, I usually tell them that I don't feel like writing when I am deppresed. Yesterday was different, and you guys got a window into the "bad things" that I think about.

Thank you for your comments and calls, they really do make me feel better. My freinds and family rock!

Focker out.

PS, I built my older brother a website for his photography but nobody seems to be going to it. Here is a shameless plug, check it out http://vpds.biz.

Yes, I am afraid of dying.

That is a really hard thing to say. When you have cancer, you have to stay positive and optimistic to get through the days. But I spend alot of time afraid. In bed at night, trying to sleep is hard.

I have never been a very religious person, and cancer hasn't changed that. They say "there are no atheists in foxholes", but the prospect of death at the hands of this horrible disease has not given me a magic shot of faith. I think people who have faith in afterlife have it easier than those who don't. The prospect of life and conciousness just ending in a moment is terrifying.

I am not having a good day. Some are good and some are bad, and this one doesn't feel right. For some reason I got out my "Melanoma Book" and read the section on stage 4 cancer and chemotherapy. The survival statistics suck, and they make me afraid.

All of us are going to die, nobody lives forever. I am not at peace with this, I am afraid.

See ya

Finished #6

Hola from Houston!

I hope everyone is doing well, thank you for the comments to my last post. That pumpkin coffee thingee from Starbucks sounds really good, I can't wait to try one.

I am just recovering from my last treatment. The recovery time for my treatments has gotten really horrible. I think it is a sign of the cumulative effect of the treatments. Like the treatment before last, I spent the last week in bed feeling sick. I finally started feeling better today, 6 days since I got out of the hospital.

As treatments go, this last one could have been worse. I swelled up like a wet sponge again, but not as bad as the first time. Probably the worse part of me treatment was that I only got to see ennifer twice during the whole week. She is busy taking care of everything else in our life, and it gets a bit hectic. She is kicking ass at work though, and with their killer health insurance, I can't complain.

So the biggest news is, they took my PIC line out. For those of you that haven't seen me since this whole thing started, this was a semi-permanent IV catheter in my arm. It sure was uncomfortable, and I am glad it is out. I can take a shower now wothout anyone's help (my PIC line couldn't get wet). It may signal the end of my treatments, :)

So I go back in on the 25th to meet with my surgeon (who is awesome) and schedule another laparoscopy. This is where the rubber meets the road, as it were. He is going to open me up and look to see if there is cancer left and how much. This will tell us if the treatments are working and if they do any more. I am sure everyone knows what I am hoping for.

Until then, I am just hanging out with family and trying to build my strength back up. I love and miss you all, you are in my thoughts too.

Connelly out.

The Hairy Marshmallow

Hello from marshmallow land! I'm the stay puffed marshmallow man!

Hi everybody.

Day 4 of 8, not much to report. No nausea, although my eating has slowed down. I am a little weak, I got in a fight yesterday and totally won. Be for you ask, she was in 5th grade.

Been having some IM conversations with people I love and miss. Scagnetti, you know who I am talking about.

Bad: the nurses won't let me sleep. They come in about every 15 minutes and poke me and prod me (and not in a good way). Funny thing, they go hours without bothering me during the day.

I have convinced one of the nurses to walk me down to starbucks because I can't leave the floor without a nurse. I get a Caramel Macciato (sp?), what do you get at starbucks? The comment board is open.

I don't want everyone to get to excited (men, hold you ladies down), but my hair is growing back! I am not ready to post a picture, but if you visit me you are welcome to feel the hair. It is soft like a baby's hair and straight black.

OK, I'm out. I miss you all, I hope to be home soon.

Peace

Back From The Dead

Yes, I am still alive. I know I haven't posted but this has been a shitty month overall.

I lost one my favorite uncles, my last grandpa, and me favorite dog. My chemo appointment was canceled because I had bad-looking moles growing on my skin. They did some biopsies, and they turned out negative for cancer after four days of waiting.

Not to mention my last chemo SUCKED. They gave me all the drugs at once, and it was worse than I imagined. My face (and body) swelled up like a balloon (almost 20lbs of fluid retention!) and I didn't eat (nothing substantial) for over ten days.

When I got home, I spent the first week in bed. I couldn't do anything. It was horrible.

Because of all of this, round six is the first chemo that I wasn't approaching with enthusiasm. As a matter of fact, you could say I was considering not showing up :).

I had a long talk with myself in the mirror yesterday, and my mirror image listened to reason. The gist: "look buddy, the reason we are doing so well is your strength and positive attitude. What are you going to do, give up? It is working dumbass! Get off your ass, take some deep breaths and get ready for this treatment. It is going to suck, but we will take it one day at a time."

I felt better and I am ready for this. I am in the hospital, they started the drugs last night. No bad feelings yet, but it will come.

Thank you for being patient with me. I am attaching a picture of me swollen up.




Ok I have to say this. I have been thinking about the sword of Damocles story from Greek/roman mythology. To get up to speed click here. Basically this guys gets a sword hanging over his head and he doesn't know when it will fall.

I say, nothing has changed. He still faced uncertain death every day. So Damocles came out on top. Feel free to post opinions.

"Men (and Women) are cursed to know their fate but not the time, We know what we will find at the end of the road, yet know not how long the road may be"

Peace

A Birthday, Plus The Good and Bad

Well I am another year older, the big 31.

My birthday was pretty uneventful. I got everything I wanted and had a good meal at Lupe Tortilla's. Wait, scratch that. I ordered a good meal at Lupe Tortilla's but had to go home because Jacob stepped on glass in the sandbox. Lesson: don’t let your child play in a strange sandbox without shoes. Actually, we still had a good time.

My Cancer:
First, the not-so-good news. I am officially losing my hearing. It is a common side effect of one of the drugs (cisplatin) and the doctors are not surprised. If it is progressive, they may consider changing drugs but no real consequence yet. As far as I am concerned, I could care less. Hearing aids can be very cool. Also, who wouldn't like to be able to turn their ears off every once in a while?

The nodule in my lung continues to be stable. That means it hasn't grown or shrunken. No real news there. It is interesting that because they have not biopsied this (gone in and tested a piece of it), they don't know that it is malignant. It could just be a benign nodule.

Now, the great news. The cancer in my belly has definitely been shrinking. This indicates a response to the treatment. Now, I know I said I was responding to the treatment when my belly stopped filling up, but this is proof. My cancer IS GOING AWAY. I love this news; it validates all of the crap that I have been through in the last 4-5 months.

Also, since my belly isn't filling up with fluid, they feel comfortable giving me all of the drugs at once instead of two stages. They have canceled my outpatient treatment and will give all the drugs to me when I go into the hospital next Monday. I should still only be there about 7 days, so that's actually pretty cool. It will be interesting to see if the bad effects build on each other, or if I just feel as crappy as I usually do. Either way, I get a couple more days off before I have to begin. Life is sweet and the small pleasures make a difference.

Family:
My older brother came into town and we had a great time. That is, until my family got into a big fight. Oh well, this stuff happens in a close family. Everyone will get over it and we will all be back (almost) to normal. By the way, if you know my family, don't call/email for details about what happened. If it was your business you would already know.

Jennifer is sick with pneumonia, and is feeling like crap. I can't do much to help, because nothing much helps. At least I have a few more days to be home, taking care of her. God knows she has taken care of me enough in the last few months.

All in all, I am a happy dude. I do have something to say that I hope some of you will think about.

My cancer has shown me both the immediacy of life and the unimportance of most of the things we do. If your life ended tomorrow, would you be happy with what you have done with it? Would you be proud of how you acted, how you treated other people, or even yourself? Do what needs to be done, and spend the rest of the time loving somebody.

Oh, and smile at the people in the drive-through; it can be contagious.

I love you all!
Peace.

P.S. check out the new baldy pic at the top right.

The Movie Critic

Hello! Hola! Bonjour! Yo!

So, I have not been very busy. Jennifer has been in Arizona since last Friday, and I have been holding the fort down here at the house. Jake was with her for the weekend and I had the house all to myself. I played video games and watched movies. Quick movie reviews:

• Jarhead: Good movie, reminds me of Full Metal Jacket. Worth seeing.
• V for Vendetta: Better than I expected. Kind of a "smart" movie. Lots of quotes from classical philosophers and great action scenes.
• Deep Water: A strange "twisty-turny" movie. Reminded me of U-Turn with Sean Penn.
• This Thing of Ours: Good modern day mob movie. Not great.
• Munich: Long long long. Not as good as I had hoped. Bring a pillow.
• Underworld, Evolution: If you like the other Underworld movies, you will like this one.

As far as my cancer goes, there is no doubt in my mind that I am getting better. I have been feeling so good and operating and almost 100%. I just don't feel sick. When I bounce back from the treatments now, I really bounce back.

I go next Tuesday the 22nd for "re-staging". They do this every two treatments to determine how effective they are. I will have about 10 different tests (blood, x-ray, cat, mri)
. Then, on Wednesday, the doctor will tell me how great everything looks (hopefully). Cross your fingers.

I will start another chemo round the next day. Outpatient for a week then the hospital for a week. Interesting change: I will be studying for classes while I am doing the treatment. I m taking two classes for my MBA this semester, Futures and Options and an Accounting class. Wish me luck!

Well, that's pretty long for now. I am going to get back to my X-Box. I love you all and I will have real news on my cancer next Tuesday.

Life is a garden, dig it.