Emotions are a funny thing. Most of the time we don't notice them. They stay in the background, quietly running our life until we take a step outside of ourselves to examine them. Usually, with the goal of suppressing them, but sometimes we gain a deeper understanding of our own actions by looking at our emotional state.
When my wife was pregnant, she was suceptible to the most dramatic mood swings anyone could imagine. It wasn't how quickly they changed, but the magnitude of the emotion that was suprising.
I think being a patient with stage 4 cancer is similar. I feel like I am constantly in a charged emotional state. The littlest things set off my emotions to crying, laughing, quiet depression, mania, and anger. I cry at everything with a child or somebody who dies on TV.
The emotions I feel related to my cancer are:
Sadness. I am sad for the way my life could have been without the cancer. I am sad for my freinds and family that are going through this with me.
Happiness. I am happy that I have reconnected with so many family members and old freinds. There is nothing like an ilness to bring people together. I am also happy for the new freinds that I have made at the hospital (doctors, nurses, and patients).
Lonliness. When I am between treatments, I am very lonely. Everyone I know is at work or school. Because I am a bit of a loner by nature, this isn't as bad as it could be.
Frustration. I am frustrated about sitting at some and resting. I am not a sit around and do nothing type of person, but I have to because of my fatigue.
Anger. More than anything, cancer pisses me off. It is a raw deal, and people who have cancer or know someone with cancer all get screwed. This disease steals so much from you, you wonder what will be left when it has gone.
So, those are my emotions. Sorry about the outburst yesterday, but it happens. When people tell me how impressed they are that I have been able to stay so positive, I usually tell them that I don't feel like writing when I am deppresed. Yesterday was different, and you guys got a window into the "bad things" that I think about.
Thank you for your comments and calls, they really do make me feel better. My freinds and family rock!
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