Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Yes, I am afraid of dying.

That is a really hard thing to say. When you have cancer, you have to stay positive and optimistic to get through the days. But I spend alot of time afraid. In bed at night, trying to sleep is hard.

I have never been a very religious person, and cancer hasn't changed that. They say "there are no atheists in foxholes", but the prospect of death at the hands of this horrible disease has not given me a magic shot of faith. I think people who have faith in afterlife have it easier than those who don't. The prospect of life and conciousness just ending in a moment is terrifying.

I am not having a good day. Some are good and some are bad, and this one doesn't feel right. For some reason I got out my "Melanoma Book" and read the section on stage 4 cancer and chemotherapy. The survival statistics suck, and they make me afraid.

All of us are going to die, nobody lives forever. I am not at peace with this, I am afraid.

See ya

4 comments:

lilbro77 said...

"I plan on getting through this and ending up in full remission. The is no other alternative I will accept." ~ Jason Connelly (May 2006)

Don't loose hope now brother - remember what your Fighting in Texas for...

Ken said...

Look to this day
For yesterday is but a dream
and tomorrow is only a vision.

But today, well lived,
makes yesterday a dream of happiness
and tomorrow a vision of hope.

Look well, therefore, to today

Look to this day for it is life
the very life of life

In its brief course lie all
the realities and truths of existence
the joy of growth
the glory of action
the splendor of beauty

For yesterday is already a memory
and tomorrow is only a vision,
but today well lived makes every
yesterday a memory of happiness
and every tomorrow a vision of hope

Look well, therefore, to this day

-Kalidasa


In one of the sci-fi books you let me borrow there was a pretty good quote: When it's darkest, that's when you can see the stars. Maybe that's poignant, I don't know.

lesli said...

There is nothing wrong with being afraid. My biggest fear is what you're afraid of. Don't apologize for being afraid, but FIGHT to live - which is what you are doing. Like you said, you have good days and bad days and somedays are better or worse than others, but keep the fight up. You're not a statistic. You're Jason Connelly and you're a fighter. Listen to what your brother said - remember what you're fighting in Texas for and don't loose hope now - or ever.

lapazk said...

Hi Jason,



I am a good friend of your Aunt Judi and have been following your story closely. I have also had the good fortune to meet your father and two of your brothers. I am not much for inspirational things to say, but please do not give in to your fear. You are afraid. Frankly, anyone with half a brain in your situation would be scared sh&&less. There is no shame in that, as long as it does not keep you from doing what is right and necessary. This is exactly what you are doing. You are locked in a struggle for your life. I cannot even begin to imagine what you go through every day. You are fighting the worse kind of enemy, one you cannot see or touch. You are fighting for control of your own body. However, you cannot allow the negative side of your fear to take over. Fear is what kept our ancestors alive when the saber-tooth tigers and cave bears came looking for an easy meal. Use the energy it generates to help yourself. Do not be afraid to admit your fear. Get it out in the open and then you will be able to deal with it. There are a lot of people out here who will help. Do not give up. I know they will not.